Motherhood – Cozy in Love

New Every Morning

October 8, 2018 No Comments

It’s Monday and it has been a great day. ☀️

I hopped in the shower in the morning before Conoon left for work. Eden woke up all smiley and well-rested after a full night’s sleep and long morning nap. We played and danced to Pink Fong in the afternoon and because I was able to read her sleepy cues, she went down for her second nap without a fuss. I finally remembered to order contacts online. I ate breakfast, lunch, AND just had an afternoon snack. 😱 A second load of laundry is in the dryer and I’m sipping on yesterday’s latte while writing this post.

All this because I knocked out at 10:30 last night. I’m trying to make sleeping early a regular thing since Eden forces me to be a morning person. Feeling 💯 means I can show up 100% and give Eden the best of my love and attention that day. If sleeping early is the secret to that success then why wouldn’t I want to do that for my baby!

Physical rest is crucial, but it’s also about mindset. I want to get to a place where even if I’m tired, unproductive, or emotional volatile, I can manage to smile and see the day as good. God’s mercy and compassion are new every morning (Lam 3:22-23), so whatever the day throws at me, I want to be able to accept it with grace by leaning on God’s strength.

Breastfeeding, Motherhood

My Relationship with Breastfeeding

August 31, 2018 No Comments

I’m really starting to treasure breastfeeding, but it took a while for me to get into this headspace. To give you some context, Eden (4 mo) drinks breastmilk exclusively and likes the boob only, so my daily schedule revolves around the times she eats without having the flexibility of using a bottle.

In the first 3 months especially, I felt imprisoned by the task–I was on standby for my baby 24/7, stuck in a chair for a total of 7-8 hours a day, feeling like I was missing out on everything going on beyond my living room window. It was a really hard transition for me. My body wasn’t mine anymore. I felt like I had lost my freedom. I was in a constant state of giving giving giving and crying seemed to be the only thing that refilled my cup.

Nowadays, I’m in a better place; the postpartum fog, once dense with discontent and worry, is finally letting in some light 🌤 Now as I nurse, I hug Eden into my chest and sense a bond that didn’t exist in the first and second months. There are moments when Eden will pause, stop drinking, turn her head to look up into my eyes.. and knock me out with a big grin, as if to say “mmm 맛있다” (mmm yummy) and then go right back to drinking 😂 I like to imagine that she’s thanking me for being there for her, even though it can be hard on me. I savor the quiet, peaceful moments of nursing and when it get hard again, I thank @aliwong for putting things into comical perspective (though Eden going Leo vs bear on my nipples is not funny at all). Her little arm shading her closed eyes. Her hands grasping back and forth at my shirt. Her satisfied smile after she’s been replenished. These images are wonderfully etched into my memory. These moments are sacred to me.

Well… you know you’re a mom when you can talk about your boobs on social media and not care. This month is all about #normalizingbreastfeeding so I figured this was the breast way to start. Happy breastfeeding awareness week/month!

Events, Motherhood

Eden’s 100th Day Celebration

July 1, 2018 No Comments

Eden turned 100 days old this weekend! We decided to host Eden’s 100th day celebration (baek-il) at home with family and close friends.

Baby’s 100 day mark is a big milestone in Korean culture: back in the day in Korea, many babies didn’t make it past 100 days due to harsh living conditions and widespread disease. A baby turning 100 days old was a huge feat, and with it came feelings of hope, success, and relief.

Nowadays, the 100-day party has become an excuse to create photo-worthy backdrops, style flat lays of rice cakes and sugary goods, and take a zillion pictures to have a lot of options to later post on Instagram. I have to admit, when it comes to occasions like this, it’s easy for me to get sucked into endless scrolls on Pinterest in search of “100 day birthday ideas” or “baby birthday decor.” I get caught up in a desire to impress others or do things a certain way just because others are doing it.

Conoon and I aren’t the type to host wedding-level parties for baby occasions, but I do like to host humble get-togethers (that are still picture-worthy) with loved ones when we hit little or big milestones. I’m always down for an excuse to host parties (especially if they’re themed) and eat good food.

So how do I do this without going overboard and staying within budget? I remember to take a step back and focus on the significance of the occasion. I differentiate between the things I want versus what I need and make compromises. I ask family and friends for help when I need it, and keep things simple but still picture-ready.

To think that I have survived being a mom for 100 days is crazy! Okay, maybe not crazy, but a little bit jarring. I think about all the things I’ve done as a mom in every single one of those hundred days and I am in awe. I can definitely attest to what parents mean when they say that the days feel long but years feel short. Though we haven’t made it to a year yet, I can say that these last three months really do feel like they flew by.

At 100 days, I still haven’t got the hang of being a mom. I say “still” as if there’s some mom handbook out there that says I should be meeting a certain standard of readiness or accomplishment by a certain time. But I know that doesn’t exist. I know I’m being hard on myself, and that the language I use affects my thoughts and therefore my actions. There are days I feel super victorious and accomplished and proactive… and then there are days I want to throw my face into a pillow and cry. Maybe having all these feelings are a part of momhood, and that a lack of a bad day doesn’t mean that I’ve got it all down as a mom. Maybe feeling productive and crossing off all my to-do’s in a day doesn’t necessarily make me a good mom either.

What makes a “good” mom? No answer is alike, just like how there’s no mom or child that are exactly alike. All moms are on their own unique paths to figuring out how to be the best mom for their LOs, and as long as you’re doing the best you can, you can definitely call yourself “good”.

Motherhood, Postpartum

One Month Postpartum

April 22, 2018 No Comments

Baby Eden is already one month old and looking back on the weeks that have passed, I honestly just can’t believe I’ve been breastfeeding her every 2-3 hours for this long already lol. You think times flies on the regular? Try being at home all day and taking care of a baby 24/7 while being sleep-deprived. It’s no joke! I hardly know what day it is anymore! lol

I haven’t been updating the blog much. Finding time to take pictures with my DSLR, upload to my laptop, edit on Lightroom, and write a post has been EXTREMELY hard because I’m exclusively breastfeeding.

My husband and I joke that breastfeeding is like my “9 to 5” job spread across all 24 hours. We laugh about it but it’s not even a joke– it’s totally true lol. The feed-burp-change diaper-feed-burp-sleep process takes nearly one hour, which means, that 8 hours of my day are earmarked for exclusive “Eden time” if she’s eating every 3 hours.

The golden rule/advice that I get from moms is to “Sleep when the baby sleeps.” And yes, I try to nap when she’s napping too, but honestly, when she’s asleep, I’m trying to do everything I can to feel like a functional HUMAN, like eat, pee, poo, and take care of my personal hygiene!

Sigh. There’s just not enough time or help in a day.

Anyway. It’s been a foggy month, but I’m so proud of my girl Eden for eating well, sleeping well, and growing so beautifully. Everything I’m experiencing is part of the journey of being a new mom so I wouldn’t want to take away or add anything from my current experience and situation. The current circumstances of my life are what they are. Acceptance of them will lead to surrender and ultimately, a more beautiful, fuller experience of motherhood.

Motherhood, Pregnancy

To My Labor Partners

March 29, 2018 No Comments

This post is dedicated to my two incredible labor partners: my husband and my mom. I decided to have a natural birth and to deliver Eden unmedicated after learning about the effects that induction and pain meds have on both mom and baby during labor and thereafter. It was a personal choice that I had the privilege to make, having been blessed with a complication-free pregnancy and healthy baby. So Conoon and I carefully devised our birth plan and I prepared to surrender both body and mind to the natural birth process.

Night and day of, Conoon coached me through nearly every single contraction. We were in labor for 24 hrs, from Tuesday 1:00am to Wednesday 1:15am. At the time, we didn’t have a definite end time to work toward. The only finish line we could see was after each declining contraction; as one passed, it became time to focus on the next. “Just one more.” Without Conoon’s encouragement, help with breathing through waves of pain, and literally his body to hang onto, I probably would have asked for an epidural or pitocin eventually. But the mantras he spoke kept me focused; his confidence and spirit gave me strength, and we welcomed Eden home by our original plan.

With ultimate patience and true “mom intuition”, my mom provided me and Conoon relief and comfort in areas that we had control over. She abided with my requests (or at times, demands) for water, counter-pressure for back pain, and fanning when it got too hot. She cushioned my knees with a pillow when I labored in positions that had me kneeling on the hard ground. She brought me new towels and dried my hair after each hot shower. She made sure Conoon stayed hydrated and ate to sustain his energy. What was feeding her in those 24 hrs, I have no idea. But her presence and humble help allowed Conoon and me the additional room and focus to do the purposeful work we needed to do.

Definitely a team effort. Definitely #teamcozykim in play here. To Conoon and Ma: from the deepest part of my heart, thank you. Thank you for the gift of a work-heavy, unmedicated, beautiful labor. Thank you for trusting and believing in me. And most of all, thank you for the gift of the healthiest, happiest, strongest Eden possible 🌹💪

Motherhood, Postpartum

Welcome to Life, Eden

March 26, 2018 No Comments

Eden Rose Kim was born on March 21, 2018 at 1:15am after 24 long hours of labor. She weighed 6 pounds and 11 ounces and was 18 inches long.

I’ll never forget the moment I first took her into my arms and brought her in for a hug against my chest. That particular moment happened in a flurry: her head had nearly made its whole way out, and then finally, once her head squeeeezed through, the rest of her body literally SLIPPED out and seconds later, my husband was handing her slippery little body over to me!

Here she is, after an hour of skin-to-skin time, all swaddled up and ready to sleep:

And at Day 2 of LIFE!:

Conoon and I are working on writing her birth story, though honestly, it’s taking us a while… More updates on Eden and mommyhood coming soon =)